I have been on a journey of self-destruction since I was eighteen. Truthfully, probably longer than that, but I was not in control of my life than as I am now. Passionately I have run head first, no looking back, no slowing down, caution the wind straight for love…or so I thought. I have searched for this illusive but much-needed love high and low, up and down, side to side, and round and round; imaging I had found it time and countless time again.
Now one may wonder if this journey has been fun…at times, yes; however, for the most part and majority of this trip HELL NO! The past fourteen years my journey for love has been one of the most disappointing, depressing, comical, dangerous, destroying, destructive, and twisted runs that one woman has ever had to face (figuratively speaking of course because I am sure there are other women who have been through much worse). Yesterday, however, this journey for love came to a complete halt.
One word: jail. That one word was looming in my future (yes it was just that crazy) if I did not decide to make a change and fast. The last two men who I have chosen to commit myself to, whole heartily, no strings attached didn’t feel quite the same way. In fact, their ideas and feelings of love, commitments, and relationships are still ones I am trying to figure out. No understanding there. The thing is I was forced to sit down and reflect on these journeys I have been taking for love and I came to the extremely painful realization that this entire journey is my fault and of my choosing. Mainly because I chose to try to love others before learning to love myself first.Oh, I don’t mind at all throwing love around to others. Nope…you want or need some love, come see me. There has been one person showing up though, time and time again; and each time I opened the door and saw her standing there I instantly became disgusted and slammed the door in her face. I showed up but I never allowed myself to walk through my own door of self acceptance and love.
After years of abuse I realize that somewhere along the way I began to believe all the lies and in turn these lies and experiences had slowly but surely destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. Not exactly sure when these two life thriving and very necessary partners abandoned me (or rather probably vice versa) but it is evident that both are long gone…leaving behind nothing but a dust trail. Last night, however, my older brother and sister must have been paid a visit by my two long lost companions because I was sat down and forced to face the mirror I have hated for so long and more than anything: myself.
As if that wasn’t rough and hard enough it seems as though lately everyone I am coming across or speaking with are all repeating the same song, mantra, knowledge, and reflection. The universe and God are obviously trying to relay a message to me and I think its time that I listen. The journey of self-hatred has been painfully long, extremely stressful, vastly disappointing trip, but one (whether I like it or not) that I willingly went on. I ignored all the warning, bumps in the roads, caution signs, and weather signals indicating danger being hurled at me and I really can’t tell you why other than I am or rather was just that desperate for love (or so I believed). The truth is never easy to face, let alone say out loud, especially to others, but I am so ready to face it and be reacquainted and re-introduced to my self-esteem and self-confidence. Boy, have I missed them!
I know this journey to self love will not be an easy one, but I also know its got to be a lot more fun, peaceful, happier, and rewarding than this journey of self-hatred has been. Probably a lot cheaper too. I opened my email this morning and in it was a message from the universe (yes, I am one of those TUT subscribers) and the message blew me away and began the process of re-instilling hope in me again. The message read…”That thing you’re dealing with right now, Shavonne…is not by chance. It’s the beginning of the most exciting transformation of your life, so far.” So from all fronts the universe seems to be screaming back at me that if I put in the work everything’s going to be just fine. This journey has me excited and a little bit giddy, can’t wait to see where I’m headed this time.