One of the only good things, about the fact I post so infrequently is that I always have so much to report back to all of you. Truth is, I doubt I could ever run out of content to post. Hence tonight. I decided to get some of this crap out of my head and onto my blog. With that said, the last time I was writing to you ladies (and any gentlemen readers I may have, please do not feel left out), I confessed how much I really didn’t care for my hair. In fact, I hated it, HATED it! The thing is even though I had that deep, rooted hatred there, I knew I had to deal with it and do something positive with all of that hatred. There is a couple of things that have motivated me and kicked my butt into gear. During this proactive phase in my natural hair journey, I am finding liberation and freedom as I never have before.
The first motivating factor…is well… let me keep it real, a sista is broke! Long gone are the days of getting the head done every week to every two weeks. I’m lucky if I get to see the insides of a shop once every six months. I had to sit down and really re-think my, then, the current situation I was in with my hair. Now I can be a downright strictly emotional person (that’s how I was in bondage to my hair), but I can also get really logical when I need to. I know when it is time to have a reality check; and the fact was, me literally being horrified at just the thought of wearing my natural, God given hair in the world outside of my home, was a serious issue. And not in a good way. (I seemed to be always at work taking selfies! lol)
So what did I do…I headed to YouTube. Yep. What…I can’t afford counseling either. In truth the ladies on YouTube, that I have grown to somewhat know a little about as well as developed a deep admiration for, have helped me far more than any overpriced or over-opinionated or under-opinionated counselor ever has. I caught up on my videos from my unaware mentors: Taren916, MontanaDeleon, ColorMeBeautiful, and Shameless Maya to name a few, during this time of reflection while seeking some kind of a secret recipe for how to love myself and my curls. As I watched these ladies’ videos night after night I began to make some changes in my life and I also began to think about a lot of things I never had before; or if I had it was so long ago I didn’t even remember the answers anymore. I also enlisted the help of a self-help course, created by Jenny Blake, an incredible author, motivator, life coach, and person. Sorry for the little plug there, but had to give a little shout-out.
Anyway…during this journey I decided that I no longer wanted to be afraid or led by fear, which essentially is what was taking place between me and my hair. My hair was bullying me. Literally. So as I have taught my daughters, I began to fight back. I realized that in order to be able to be the kind of role model I need and so desire to be for my daughters I must first learn to love myself, all of me. As trite or as easy as that might sound, this simple need that everyone has, is the one that people lack the most: self-love. I especially have had a hard time learning to love myself, let alone continue to allow others into my world because of several, different, traumatic and dramatic life events.
I have been rejected by two mothers and experienced physical, mental, and emotional abuse by 95% of the people I have loved deeply. At some point I stopped feeling as though I was a victim and got tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong or how to fix it. I just believed it. That I was worthless. Not beautiful. And unlovable. It has been a hard fight and journey and believe it or not learning to love the hair on my head has been one of my hugest and one of my most proud accomplishments to date (not THE, only ONE of several). I see how my daughters are learning to love not only my hair, but their own as well. They ask questions and my oldest daughter is forever complimenting me. She is my biggest motivator.
It also didn’t help when my oldest daughter decided to become her own personal stylist for a day. My daughter went to school and noticed that one of her classmates had gotten a haircut, one that my daughter liked a little too much. She decided when she came home from school to recreate the look herself, on herself. You can imagine the results. At first I was so furious I couldn’t talk about it, but as I got to thinking about it she reminded me of me, and my current hair situation. I decided to have a talk with her and find out from her, exactly her reasons for her actions….cause she was as displeased with the results as I was. Again, imagine the results. She explained to me how one of her classmates had gotten a haircut and she loved how the girl’s hair bounced around her shoulders. As she described the girl and the girl’s hair I realized that my daughter was describing a white classmate and that is when all the pieces to the puzzle fit in.
I made a choice at that moment to learn to love every inch of my body if it killed me, because if I don’t, there is no way I can raise another woman to love herself as much as she needs to in order to survive the world we live in. My daughter and I talked and I did explain many different cultures and their hair textures to her. Of course I employed the help of YouTube as well. I mean, that was a given, right. And let me say, THANK GOD for YouTube, because what I couldn’t answer or put into words there was definitely a video there to assist. After that day I haven’t worn a wig or weave since.
I am happy to announce that my hair and I have developed a definite love/love (well sometimes, very few now compared to before hate days) relationship in which I grow more madly in love with my curls more and more every day. Pictures will be posted. There is some damage from some recent dye jobs I had done and conducted myself (now I see why they say don’t try it at home if you don’t know what you’re doing). And yes…..my hair is green. =) But I do love it and I am learning to be more patient, kind, and loving to her as I watch her grow out. My baby girl loves to play in it (at times a little too much and too roughly), but hey it could be worse…she could have pulled my wig off in public. lol So I take the bad with the good….funny thing is now that the fog has been cleared not too much negative I can see.
With all that said got some content coming your way rather quickly now….and maybe even some events locally where I am…until next time….=)