So as my writing has indicated (at least what little writing I have contributed to this blog) I have a hard time being committed to my writing. It is not as though I do not have plenty to say and plenty that I want to put out, but I believe in many ways it is due to fear. I have lived a life of fear for pretty much all of my life and my fear of so many things has held me back from much I have wanted in this life. On Monday, January 30, 2012 I gave birth to my second daughter. I will never be able to tell you what color her eyes were, what color her hair was, or pretty much any distinctive features because the same day that I told my daughter hello I was forced to tell her good-bye as well.
I know there are people out there right now who understand the many emotions I am experiencing, but I still feel completely alone in my emotions and in some ways (well in all ways) I do not want to share my feelings with those around me. The thing is that I have found truly amazing about this experience is the fact that though I was only allowed to briefly experience time with my daughter she has changed my life in ways that are unbelievable and I feel that I do not want to let the gifts she has given me go to waste. I know that had she lived and if she were able to tell me what I believe she has left with me she would tell that she would not want me to. The pain I have experienced all my life has crippled me and paralyzed me in ways that make me wonder at times why I even bother opening my eyes each and every day. The thing is there is a reason, a purpose that I have been blessed with the life I have and despite all the negative, pain, and hurt I am now willingly to dig through and live that purpose. I am tired of living in fear because living in fear will not protect you from the bad nor from the good; it just cripples you period.
I have decided to start sharing my stories, my insights, and my life with others because I believe that part of my purpose is to provide encouragement to others. I am here to tell anyone reading this blog going through what they believe is probably the most horrible event in your life that you can and WILL get through it. You will hurt. You will cry. You will scream. You will be angry. You will be depressed. You will be traumatized. You will go through. But if you do not give up, especially and most importantly if you do not give up on yourself, you will make it through and it will not be the last time you will make it through, but it gets easier and easier each time. Another important factor is also to realize that every situation is meant to teach you something. There is a lesson to be learned from every experience and if you chose to ignore those lessons or not do something with the knowledge you possess from this new experience then you will experience this lesson again. Again I am living proof of this.
Though I would give anything, ANYTHING in this life and the next to bring my daughter back to me, but I know this is not possible; however, I do know that I can keep her alive in other ways. Her death has meaning, more meaning than most people’s lives. She saved me and today I have experienced already one of the first miracles of this new life (will share this story later today) and I pray that I never forget her because I know as long as I don’t I can’t forget this new purpose I have.